I openly admit I suffer from trauma related anxiety, and I am no longer ashamed. The sad reality is that yes, it is more widely known in today's society about mental illness, however the stigma attached to those words "mental Illness" is still a nasty pill to swallow.
Anxiety can come in many forms its different for each person who experiences it.
Here is my story.
I did not know what was happening to me. All of a sudden I was having chest pains and tingling radiating up and down my arm. My immediate thoughts were "OMG I'm having a heart attack" and then panic set in within myself. It kept me awake at night, I couldn't shut off and sleep. Thoughts about what was happening to my body ran wildly through my mind and the more I thought , the worse I felt and the more my imagination of worst case scenarios played through my mind.
At work I found it hard to concentrate, My co-workers stating I was daydreaming again, off in another world in my own mind. I was becoming forgetful about short term things. I felt a fogginess in my head. Then soon after the headaches began, sharp shooting pains and I was falling asleep at 6pm each night to try to make the pain stop, only to wake up at 9pm and be awake all night long, barely functioning and crying to my supportive husband to help me get through it.
I developed a fear that when I was alone these feelings would happen and a panic attack began. I had trouble breathing and I had a big urge of needing to get home where I felt safe.
People would say things to me like "you are alright", or "get over it", "toughen up" "move on" , they had nice intentions, but those words did nothing for me. Infact I found it just disregarded my feelings and I choose to feel upset by those comments. I felt misunderstood, I felt unheard, I felt alone and I felt scared.
After a while the physical pain became too much and my husband took my to hospital where they did ECG and tests and X-rays to see if it was a pinched nerve in my neck causing pains. When everything came back clear and that there was nothing Physically wrong with me I felt an overwhelming sense of not being believed. The pain to me was manifesting itself as real, but there was no physical explanation? I felt baffled, confused and isolated. The doctor said to me , I think you may suffer from anxiety, handed me discharge papers and left me alone, where I sat crying on the bed tormented by that word. That word I had such dislike for. ANXIETY. I did not like being seen as "mentally unwell" I felt like I was walking around with a big sign on my head saying "Crazy lady right here" . I felt ashamed to tell family and friends that I was unwell.
I thought I would not let this define me, who I am, I am more than this. So I took myself to the GP and did a mental health plan. I took myself to see a psychologist to discuss my traumas which I had been trying to overcome for years in my mind. She explained to me that most people have a trauma and process it and deal with it. However I had had multiple traumas close together , and before I was able to finish processing one, the next one arrived and my body sat in constant fight or flight mode. She explained it like a downwards spiral, My mind could not cope with the emotions so it manifested physically in my body as a way of processing it. She explained to me I was like a car alarm. Most people you would have to really bump their car in order to set their anxiety off. Where as I was fragile and a slight bump and my alarm would go off and I was immediately back in that fight or flight mode.
She explained a lot of people suffer from anxiety and I should not feel ashamed, which to me was easier said than done. She explained my panic disorder was more about my fears of what was physically happening to my body for me than anything else.
I began trialling different medications through my GP to see which one felt right for me.
I explored meditation to quiet my mind, I had new coping strategies in place. I ate better, I exercised regularly for endorphins. I found my way and I nourished myself in all parts of life to create that balance and to find some peace within myself. I learned to let go of my past. I had to accept what had happened for me, I had to detach from those emotions I had attached to those events and I had to free myself from those burdens I was carrying and fears of peoples perception of me, fears of not being good enough, fears of loss, fears of abandonment. I had to let it all go. I took time out for myself for self love, finding time to be me , not just as a wife and a mother but as a woman of the world. I rediscovered my hobbies, I found new interests, I spent more time with my children, I allowed myself the balance my body so deeply craved. I took on mindfulness, enjoying the moment of right NOW! not the past, not the future but this exact moment I was in.
I've come out on top. I am a strong , resilient, determined, bright young woman who is living life to the full, and sharing her story to inspire others and to say, it is going to be okay, you will get there in the end, never give up!
Ashleigh Kennedy
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